The way you communicate tells personal things about you that you, probably, didn't want people to know
Research shows that non-verbal communication and subtle cues can reveal much more about a person than they might consciously intend. It goes for both positive and negative communication, but the picture that negative communication paints about you is the most astonishing to watch. However, it’s not all pleasure. If you’re dumping your dirt on someone emotionally intelligent, that person might feel secondary shame – that’s the feeling of embarrassment or discomfort that arise when witnessing or learning about someone else’s shameful or humiliating experiences. It better not be you, because it’s painful to watch.
In short, all of you that are raining on someone’s parade, should presume that you have been exposed. It’s like in that tale by Hans Christian Andersen with a king parading through the city in his underwear.
How? What? HOW?!
Spending decades in analysing my own feelings and emotions in the context of in-person interaction, and continuing with analysing the cues by others, has resulted in so much accumulated knowledge that could fill an entire book. I’m not writing another book at this moment, just laying it all out there for grabbing.
You might have heard the phrase that only people that are hurting inside are capable of hurting others. That is true to some extent. However, if we consider all negative communication as hurting, then the truth is lying beneath the many onion peals. Negative in-person communication is any interaction that makes either of the participants feel unpleasant. Sometimes it's just a basic power move. At times, also blunt objective truth and facts can be unpleasant to some people and make them upset, but here we’re covering real negativity; the sensitive souls that are taking themselves too seriously are topic for another time.
There are 2 reasons a person is
upsetting someone in in-person interaction.
It’s either the lack of basic manners,
politeness and respect.
Or it’s discomfort caused by pain (I'm beting on unresolved emotional pain).
Usually, it’s both.
The method of ruling with an iron fist and making others feel lower is in decline. As it should be, since it’s not making your team better and is not good for business results in a long run. It only puts YOU in a BAD LIGHT.
Being a negative cloud in the team, diminishing others and spreading negative and degrading gossip about someone are not a sign of a power position. Those are signs of insecurities and a pile of unresolved personal clutter.
Let’s uncover both of the above.
Manners and respect
Being polite and kind always, and I mean ALWAYS, will take you further and higher in the long term. How about respect? Too often I get to hear the absurd phrase of “How could I possibly respect that person after doing the thing X!”
Oh, grow up!
And I don’t mean “Be a bigger person.” No, I’m all against shutting down feelings and emotions. It’s like trying to close a volcano – there’s no point in doing that. In turn, why not turning it into a wealthy life for yourself. That’s a metaphor for gaining more from forgiveness than from the damaging power of hatred.
To respect ANY person you must look beyond the unrespectable action that person might have taken. For your own sake, stop identifying people with the things they have done in their life. At least in terms of robbing yourself of the upgrade of your personal interface which you get upon the complete realization of that.
A person being the same species as we all are, is all you need to respect a human being. You might not like actions, inaction or decisions of that person or you might even not like that person per se, but you should still be able to respect that person for being one of your kind.
Let that sink in, and then let’s uncover the second
reason on the list.
Settle your internal mess
There was a time when I wanted to hear the thoughts of other people. Thankfully, I’m still not able to do that. Now I see through people in the way they communicate, and this power ranks million times higher than hearing what people think (which, I presume, is mostly predictable and would decrease my sympathy for some of them). At least for me it does.
I have a sense which tells me the pain that the negative person is holding within – the reason behind a negative expression towards someone. It’s never pleasant. Seeing it, somewhat hurts me too. Worse than presuming that your garbage is invisible is actually being blind to your internal mental mess. That’s sad, if not tragic.
There are three ways forward.
1. Ignore and proceed as you’ve done up to this point.
2. Pay thousands of euros for psychotherapy (highly recommended and potentially the most effective method for some).
3. Start communicating with yourself.
The third one is my favourite, since
I always prefer the most efficient solution for everything. It doesn’t imply
talking to yourself aloud when walking along the street. It means asking
yourself the hard questions you’ve been avoiding for too long, then – listening
to yourself for answers, and then – being honest to yourself and acting on the answers
you get from yourself. This will upgrade your life on so many levels. In fact,
probably, on ALL levels.
Action steps
So, how to do that? Firstly, you become aware. Notice how you’re coming about to other people – listen to how you sound. Imagine how could you possibly sound to other people. Observe the person you’re talking to – it will give you clues. Do this when talking to an actual person, not in solitude. Be present and observe yourself. See what’s happening, how your next sentence comes about and what are the instant implications of it.
Once you’re alone, reflect on that. Why did I did/said/sound like that? The instant answer might be “Because that other person is an idiot!” Well… dig deeper.
Firstly, check for being unsatisfied with something either at work or in life in general. It can be big or small. Or check for your insecurities. It can be related to the person or the topic or it can be something totally different.
Once you pinpoint the underlying reason, ask yourself why exactly does it make you feel that way? And then – what should I do to change it into my preferred circumstances? From where I am to where I want to be.
Follow the steps every time, and your personal interface will get upgraded to unprecedented levels.
For additional motivation, note that this magical power of seeing through you is more common than you think. I personally know several people living with this gift or curse – it depends on the way we see things. And the numbers are growing.
You were supposed to deal with the metaphorical emotional garbage you’ve been sweeping under the rug for years at some point. This is as good of a moment as any. I know I would prefer getting all that sorted before it rains down on everyone in my circle uncovering things about me I would never ever, ever, ever want to be uncovered. Once they’re sorted, you’re free!